I hate Birthdays or I should clarify MY BIRTHDAY or anything to do with it. It is not the fact of getting old. I like the way I have aged. I am in good health and work out a lot and I never acted my age. I have no problem making a big deal out of someones elses birthday if they want me to.
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I just hate the whole thing of my birthday. It painfully start with my mother and her excess turning away my friends and friends parents at a young age. To where I would set stupid goals that life made sure would not happen. To being told during my divorce that my ex-wife's 30th birthday of a NYC play, limo, dinner at the top of the Trade Center, with roses and many presents, ending with a horse buggy ride in Central Park - was one of the worst things I ever did to her.
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Years ago - I was told to reclaim it for myself and celebrate it how I wanted to but people in my life said that is what I should do but would than not let me. Then I wanted to do nothing and that was not allowed. So each year I feel like I have hands around my neck and I can not breathe.
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This year is no different. Soon my birthday in days will come and my mind is so twisted, I can't think straight. My other half has some nice things planned but all I have is fear of things going wrong and others doing stupid stuff or just not knowing what is going to happen.
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Three out of the last 5 nights, I could not sleep. Last night we used one of the free coupons you can get for your birthday. A free meal at a chain restaurant. Others where getting the crew to sing Happy Birthday them. Every time it happened - I felt closing to throwing up.
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Please world - just make it go away. I just want to be left alone and know I am going to be left alone.
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