My trading sucks right now big time. Since Thanksgiving I have tried to trade with bigger size and I do not know if that has anything to do with my over all trades. I have been trying to be less concerned about my losses and got back into a mode I was years ago where I had bigger gains and bigger loses but on whole I made money.
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I am a very emotional person. Recent events in my life have thrown a monkey wrench into how I viewed my overall life. I know events that happened or not happened 20 to 50 years ago have little meaning on today but it messes with who I am.
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I grew up in a super dysfunctional family. My dad has had a very successful career in business but nearly every waking hour I saw him while growing up - he was very drunk. He totaled 3 cars and somehow walked away from them. My mother has always been strange. She functions in society but it is clear she is mentally ill. I always thought she was strange but her illness did not matter until 10 to 15 years ago or so I thought. During the last few years, mainly the last 6 months, a lot of the stories I was told over the years on events that happened did not happened the way I thought. Her illness is much worse and started at a much younger age – even before I was born.
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Many of the stories where told to protect me in some way - others to put my father down - others to for my mother needs to attack people that do not do everything she wants them to.
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It has left me with a strange feeling - one that I feel a foundation of events have been changed. I feel at some level my life or what I thought was - is built on a lie.
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Does it really change anything today? NO. I just really give me a weird uneasy feeling about who I am and why I became the person I did. I have a great partner in life. I have had a great career. My kid is wonderful. So I wish I could figure out why it eats at me.
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I am not blaming this for my trading but this has really messed with my mind.
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